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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28177518">Scars (to your beautiful)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/stickers_on_a_laptop/pseuds/stickers_on_a_laptop'>stickers_on_a_laptop</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>30歳まで童貞だと魔法使いになれるらしい | 30-sai Made Doutei da to Mahou Tsukai ni Nareru Rashii (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Ep 11 spoilers, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Now with a chapter 2, Reflection, Scars, blocked trauma, ch 2 resolves some of the angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:27:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,086</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28177518</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/stickers_on_a_laptop/pseuds/stickers_on_a_laptop</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurosawa focuses on something else when Adachi leaves</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adachi Kiyoshi/Kurosawa Yuichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. These Battle Scars (don't look like they're fading)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is not my usual thing, so it's not my usual writing style. But I had the idea and Episode 11 is a good place to put the angst.</p><p>Trigger warnings: scars, references to possible: self harm/child abuse/trauma in general.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He was gone. Adachi was gone and Kurosawa wasn’t sure if he was coming back. There was nothing to do but clear the table (numb, going through the motions, shoved into the fridge, plate might have broken but who cared if Adachi was gone), blow out the candles (the ones his sister had left in the drawer when she had stayed over, knowing what her little brother was up to), and get ready to shower and go to bed. </p>
<p>Never had taking off clothes felt so...heavy to Kurosawa. It wasn’t usually something he thought about when he showered, but today, it was a chore to take it all off. (The vest that he had bought with his first salary, the pants that he had had to get altered, the button down shirt that was identical to many in his wardrobe). It took everything he had to not break down before getting into the shower, but once the hot water hit him, he started crying and he couldn’t stop. He sat on the floor of the tub and hugged himself as the water turned cooler and cooler, eventually getting cold to the point where he was shivering. He turned the water off and got out of the tub, not caring that he hadn’t actually washed himself. </p>
<p>He stared at himself dully in the mirror. The fit body, the lean muscles, the body that was supposedly “perfect”. Not quite perfect though, if you actually looked. (No one did. They saw what they wanted to see and ignored the flaws because why have flaws when you could have “Perfect Kurosawa”?) His previous boyfriends hadn’t noticed, but Adachi would have, he was sure of it. Adachi would have noticed, maybe never would have asked about it (and what would he even say), but he would have noticed, because Adachi was like that. Kurosawa ran his fingers through his hair, but stepped closer to the mirror, since he already hurt and why not make it worse?</p>
<p>Scars. Scars where they most certainly shouldn’t be, and a lot of them. They were old and hidden by the stretch marks he had acquired when he shot up ten centimeters in one summer, so they weren’t very noticable, but they were there. Scars around his hips, starting large on his left side and getting smaller as they got closer to his penis, the same on his right side. If he remembered correctly…he turned around. Yes, there were a few scars on his back, mostly horizontal. They almost looked like the stretch marks, but if he ran his fingers over them, he felt raised, bumpy skin, not the smoothness of the skin around it. </p>
<p>He had no idea how he got them. They had been there when he was about ten if he remembered correctly, but he hadn’t thought about it. When he realized what they were at around age seventeen, he had just ignored it, and been (if he was truthful about it) ignoring it ever since. (What was he going to do, bring it up at a family dinner? What would he even say? What would happen to the family? These scars were much too old to worry about, they didn’t hurt, weren’t noticeable, they didn’t need attention). </p>
<p>(He still wondered every once in a while, but figured he was either too young or his brain had blocked out the trauma, and if his brain had blocked it, he wasn’t going to jump at the chance to unblock it. What if he wasn’t strong enough to deal with it?) </p>
<p>Realizing he had zoned out inspecting the scars, he dropped the skin he had been pinching to study and started drying himself off, shivering now that he was back to reality. He got dressed and went to bed, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling.</p>
<p>(What would Adachi think of the scars? How would he explain that no matter how he tried to remember, he had no idea if he had done it to himself and blocked it out, if someone had pulled a knife on a child, or anything? Just knew that he had these scars for some reason that his exes rarely noticed or he had just shrugged it away when they had because he didn’t have an explanation nor the capacity to understand what the scars meant at the time. Adachi probably would just look at him with concern and love though. He was always so attentive when it came to other people.) </p>
<p>(But it didn’t matter now, Adachi was gone. He wasn’t going to see the scars. And it’s not like old physical scars of no importance mattered when his heart now had a scar of its own)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Old Scars (future hearts)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Adachi sees the scars.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>But wait! A second chapter! After nearly 3 months! My mind decided that Adachi should probably see the scars and yeah here we are. Sex is referenced but it's not explicit.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Adachi woke up in an unfamiliar (yet comforting, and welcoming, and soft) bed, with a weight around his middle. A whispered “Merry Christmas,” some laughter, and a cover thrown over them as tickles turned to kisses and more. </p><p>In the streaming sunlight of morning, once the cover was thrown off (white t-shirts and boxers on the floor), Kurosawa looked beautiful (a heart full of light, Adachi supposed). But with that light, imperfections were shown in a place very few would ever see. </p><p>The night before had been amazing, and Adachi knew he would treasure the memory for a long time. But the dim lighting (as well as the adrenaline rush of all that had happened, and tears shed) hadn’t provided Adachi with the sight he was seeing now. </p><p>Old, thin, white scars around Kurosawa’s hips, ones that were easy to miss among mottled stretch marks. Adachi frowned, looked up to Kurosawa with a question in his eyes. Kurosawa sighed, bringing Adachi into his arms, holding him (just on the side of too tight, not that Adachi minded when the topic was so serious). A trembling explanation that had no real answers, only more questions. Adachi turned around to face Kurosawa, wiped away the tears in Kurosawa’s eyes before wiping away his own. Asked for permission to touch, tracing the raised skin once permission was granted. Squeezed the scars to make them light (like in a book he had read once), letting Kurosawa bury his face in Adachi’s chest as he cried. </p><p>Maybe never again would he think Kurosawa was perfect (and wasn’t that the reason he fell for Kurosawa so hard in the first place?) but he would be there for him. Even if they weren’t perfect, they could make their relationship so, with communication, trust, and understanding.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The book I had in mind for "making scars light" is actually something Adachi would probably never read (mostly because it's very Mexican-American) but I highly highly recommend it: Red Glass by Laura Resau.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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